Sword Fighting Films - The Three Musketeers

I did warn you all that it would be a very occasional series. There are also spoilers for the book and for the way various films and adaptations vary from the book. 

There are many, many filmed versions of the Three Musketeers, and I will not cover them all. 

The Three Musketeers is an interesting beast. Like all of Dumas's work, there's a deep, multifaceted story hiding underneath the action adventure headline. When they make adaptations, they tend to stick to the broad strokes of the action adventure story. Very broadly, most of the time. That does mean that it's very easy to name the best adaptation of the Three Musketeers.

   

It's easy because it's the only one that passes both my basic requirements: 

1 - None of the Musketeers are presented as an idiot (except you know those moments when they are in the book, D'Artagnan, you hot-headed young fool) 

2 - The Cardinal is an antagonist, not a villain. 

The Cardinal was very much a foundational character for me. Here we have someone who is doing his level best to defeat our heroes, and our heroes are sworn to beat him back but even they admit he is probably a better ruler than the person they're fighting for. They're only against him because they've promised to fight for the King. 

The Cardinal, meanwhile, is a reasonable villain, he only wants what's best for France, and has no time for vendettas. He's not boo-hiss villainy and he doesn't want the crown. He just wants the King to do as he's told. 

And in this film I get *that* played by Vincent Price. (He even gets a white cat to stroke sinisterly.) 

All that, and excellent swordfights - give me a dancer and I can make a fine fencer out of them - and glorious technicolour and Lana Turner in glorious technicolour ... oh it's marvellous and perfect, and actually elides very little of the plot given when it was made. 

A lot of other people like the Michael York/Richard Lester films but for me they fail point 1 - they make Porthos an idiot and I will not stand for this because Porthos is my favourite (please don't tell the others because they are also my favourites). 

The Chris O'Donnell version fails on point 2. The Cardinal is a boo hiss villain in it - I know they had Tim Curry and temptation can be hard to resist but he can do more than just boo hiss villainy - *and* they screw up Milady. The idea of a Milady de Winter who voluntarily throws herself off a cliff misses something/everything about the character. It also messes with her death being at the hands of our heroes (or at least due to their decision to hand her over to the Axeman of Lille), and the question of "what does that make them?" It makes them our beloved, damaged broken heroes, but you know, not necessarily nice. I have had the argument in the "Dumas Club" in real life, and well, I am on Aramis's side. Although, I admit I have occasionally had problems and thought "what would the Musketeers do?" and then immediately done the opposite. As a strategy, it works. 

The Logan Lerman/Paul WS Anderson version is actually solid for all that it changes a lot, and at least it passes points 1 and 2. It could do with more Porthos (Ray Stevenson as Porthos <3 <3 <3) and I have no idea what to do with a version of Athos who gets over himself (I love you really, Athos).  It also has Christoph Waltz giving it quietly sinister as Richelieu and Freddie Fox as an adorbs King Louis and I am generally fonder of it than I ought to be.

Similarly changing everything but with enough charm to get away with it is the recent BBC Musketeers, which is very much in name only but I forgive them.  There are also two old BBC adaptations which I have not seen but would dearly love to, one with Roger Delgado as Athos, and one with Jeremy Brett as D'Artagnan and Brian Blessed as Porthos (which my mother has raved about for my entire life, but may have suffered from the BBC wiping it).

If you want something a little different I recommend Dogtanian and the Muskehounds.

<3 a="" about="" adaptations="" adorbs="" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" also="" am="" an="" and="" are="" as="" athos="" away="" bbc="" be.="" blessed="" brett="" brian="" but="" changing="" charm="" christoph="" d="" dearly="" delgado="" different="" do="" dogtanian="" enough="" entire="" everything="" fonder="" for="" forgive="" fox="" frameborder="0" freddie="" from="" generally="" get="" gets="" giving="" has="" have="" height="315" himself="" i="" idea="" if="" iframe="" in="" is="" it="" jeremy="" king="" life="" little="" louis="" love="" may="" mother="" much="" muskehounds.="" musketeers="" my="" name="" no="" not="" of="" old="" one="" only="" ought="" over="" porthos="" quietly="" raved="" really="" recent="" recommend="" richelieu="" roger="" rtagnan="" seen="" similarly="" sinister="" something="" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/fFWst8c_Cvk" suffered="" than="" the="" them.="" there="" title="YouTube video player" to="" two="" version="" very="" waltz="" want="" what="" which="" who="" width="560" wiping="" with="" would="" you="">  

(I, like many of my generation, can sing this song word for word without excessive thought) (If you would like to hear it in a variety of languages, please see here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XQGZ_1sjjI) 

Now Dogtanian does one weird thing, which is switch Athos and Porthos's characters, but none of the Musketeers are idiots and while the Cardinal is mean, he doesn't want to be king. 

Special note, I mean the TV show not the recent film version of this. I'm not sure why the film just didn't work for me while the TV show did but it didn't. 

Avoid at all costs: The Musketeer - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0246544/ 

Which is the third worst film I have ever seen. I don't know how you make the Musketeers boring and tedious, but somehow this film manages it. 

Rochefort is now mysteriously called Febre, and it Tim Roth giving it villainy (which he can do, but it just doesn't work in this film). It also has Stephen Rea as Richelieu and somehow doesn't use that to it's own advantage. 

Then again, it's also a version of the Musketeers where Athos only appears in one scene and we never see the Three Inseparables together. It's terrible and I disrecommend it utterly. 

Now for something completely different: I finish with something only partly related to the Three Musketeers, but it's thing of marvel and wonder.  

Philippe Candeloro does proper fencing footwork on ice skates!!! 

No, you need to understand - the number of actors in normal shoes who don't do proper footwork and he's doing it on ice skates. 

Technically accurate footwork on ice skates!!! 

(It is also my second favourite men's programme ever. The only thing that beats it is Yagudin's Winter short programme [although Yagudin's Man in the Iron Mask is not bad either.])

Warwick Castle

In 2019, when I found out that Warwick Castle was within walking distance of Warwick train station, I couldn't help but go. Unfortunately I wasn't co-ordinated enough to get the times right for jousting or the falconry displays, but that just gives me something to do next time. 

First I did the maze , which was Horrible Histories themed and, given it was for kiddies, remarkably easy to get lost in. 

Then I walked past the water wheel, although that whole area was very pretty. Because the castle is set it large grounds, there's a lot of wildlife - squirrels, ducks, insects I can't name but if anyone has any ideas I am willing to listen ... Also, peacocks, lots of peacocks, who will steal your burgers if you give them half a chance.  

One of the more interesting things I learnt that day, this is what the back of a peacock looks like when it's displaying The same peacock from the front They've shored up the walls so you can do a whole wall walk, which I definitely recommend because you get some excellent views of the castle. I shan't spoil the history you hear because it's very interesting.  

Also, there's a trebuchet. Part of the reason I missed the falconry was that my slot in the Chamber of Horrors happened to clash with it. Chamber of Horrors was lots of fun and screaming, and some theatre-types given gainful employment horrifying us. 

I did manage to catch the end of the falconry display, followed by one of the birds going AWOL and landing in the tree above me. I did ask the handler what you did in those situations - the answer is you wait because they will get bored. Attitude of handler very much "Mum waiting for teenager who has stayed out beyond agreed time".  

I had a whale of a time, the only downside being that, amongst all the things they were selling (mostly aimed at small children who enjoy playing with swords and bows and arrows ... so me), there wasn't a guidebook or history of the castle. If anyone can recommend a good history of Warwick Castle, I'd be grateful. 

I haven't had chance to go back yet, but I definitely want to. I might not choose a Monday because the rest of the town centre was mostly shut and there were several interesting looking shops I wanted to go into.

Formula 1 2022 - Italian Grand Prix

from Imgflip Meme Generator

I actually have very little to add beyond that, although I do believe Christian Horner's theory that the reason for the improvement was Ferrari turning their engines up, especially when Sam Bird on BBC radio commentary said that they'd done something similar when he'd driven for them at Monza, because Monza matters. 

That desire to win might explain some of Ferrari's choices last weekend. I can't really blame them for their choices - because given their historical pitstop issues, would you trust it to go smoothly? If that safety car had stayed out even one lap longer, we'd be in a completely different position and everyone would be talking about how brave and brilliant the Ferrari strategy team were. I'd rather them make those sorts of decisions than just be passive, so I'm not going to complain when they don't quite come off.

Belgian Grand Prix and Dutch Grand Prix

Belgian Grand Prix 

Well at least it was better than last year's race. 

I say this, mind you, not having been able to watch any of it. My mother, who hates F1, mysteriously managed to have family over for the entire race duration. This may have been for the best. 

There was the good (ish) news - Max Verstappen was starting from the back. Unfortunately, so were Leclerc, Ocon, Norris, Zhou, Mick Schumacher and Tsunoda, so there was every chance that Verstappen wouldn't start last. 

And then ...

P9 in Lap 1 then tear off in the brakes that causes front right brake overheating, have to stop to take off the tear off off the brakes, come back to P5, took a 5 seconds penalty for being too quick in pit lane because of a burnt sensor caused by the first issue. Beautiful day! pic.twitter.com/8TbcsiqzEt

— Charles Leclerc (@Charles_Leclerc) August 28, 2022

Which makes Sainz jnr not being able to hold off Verstappen seem like merely a not-good day instead.  

I have added an extra dab in "FIA can't save you now" because yes, Leclerc sped in the pitlane but there was a good excuse this time. 

I am filing "tear off in the brakes" under "actual spanner in the works". 

I am also putting a dab in "Leclerc is making that noise, let's not do that again" for that tweet. That is an unhealthy level of irony in one so young. 

I can see why they have the Belgian and Dutch Grand Prixs back to back, it's a rare outbreak of reasonableness in F1. 

Dutch Grand Prix 

Plus points from the Belgian Grand Prix: 

1 - A Ferrari on the podium 

2 - For once, it is not Ferrari's strategy being mocked. 

3 - .... Ummm, yeah. 

3 - 1 fewer than the number of tyres Carlos Sainz jnr needed. Seriously, if you call a driver into the pits, how hard is it to be ready?! With the right number of tyres. 

4 - I have no idea how many penalties for unsafe releases and/or pitstop speeding Ferrari have had this year but I have a horrible feeling it is 4.  

I just want the team to be competent. I've given up on good - competent is what I want. No driver(s), however good, can mount a challenge for the driver's title without a competent team, and there's no chance of the constructor's title without it either.